A Second First Date

So, I had my second first date this week with Dennis. I started emailing him when I first created my online profile. I finally set up a date with him about a week ago - I had been dragging my feet because of Brian. I'm not a good 4 man planner quite yet. I will get better at it!

We had originally decided to go out for a coffee. Then I chose a place that had coffee, and wine, so I could get a drink. Then this morning he texts me and asks if I want to meet him at the bar at the hotel, because I had mentioned I liked playing pool. Yeah, I thought maybe you liked beer more than coffee, mister.

So, we met for a drink and a game of pool. I surprisingly wasn't as nervous as my first date with Brian. But that one was the first one in nearly 20 years. So, maybe this will get easier. Plus I have less expectation with this one. I have to increase my risk tolerance with men. Lower expectations on dating, higher expectations on behavior, hopefully will equal a happier me.

Dennis looked like his picture Thank God. Actually better than his picture - because no ones online dating profile picture is good unless you are of course one of those crazy people who get professional pictures for your profile. Weirdos. He was polite. He bought me drinks and paid for pool. he asked me questions about me - he actually took the time to read my profile and knew some of the things I am interested in. That was different from Brian and Michael.

We had a perfectly nice time and I will follow my rule and go on at least 3 dates with someone before making any judgements about them.

He texts me later in the evening and asks if I want to go out again and to tell him when. So, yes, we have a second date. He tells me his only regret is not kissing me at the end of the night - I tell him no regrets, there's always next time.

I'm pretty sure these men make me wait for a kiss so they can be guaranteed a second date.

Truth

Attitude Needed

A Fab First Impression

Was texting Michael yesterday. We have been texting sometimes back and forth and mostly our conversations have consisted of random questions like favorite ice cream flavor and which would you choose - Italian food or Mexican food, kind of things. So our converation went like this:

Me: "So, how many random questions does a girl have to ask before she gets to meet you in person?"

Michael: "Well, that depends on if you still want to meet after reading the answers."

Me: "I like the answers."

Michael: "Good. Maybe we could talk on the phone before meeting?"

Me: "Sure, after my kids are in bed, would that be a good time?"

Michael: "Yes."


So, kids go to bed. I drink a quick glass of wine to calm down - this crap is so nerve wracking! I text him, asking if it's a good time to talk, figuring I will then call from my land line to not use up cell minutes. And.......nothing. No response. At all.

So this is what I say to a friend

"Apparently we not talk tonight. I text and ask if it a good time and get no response!! These freakin men are too much! Loosey goosey right? No expectations....except that i expect my wine glass will be refilled - like.right.now"

 

My Thoughts Exactly...

Dating. There's men who can perform magic - disappearing acts to be exact. Is that what Heart was referring to when they sang "Magic Man"? There's men who go over the top and text you 4 times a day to ask you - how your morning is? how your day is going? how your night is going? There's men who are seemingly afraid of even committing to a first date and are just content to remain pen pals online. Yeah, right buddy, you're who I want to be with. You don't have commitment issues AT ALL

Dating.

Dating sucks. I need to adopt this guys attitude....

Starting.Now.

Dating Inspiration

It's not about the Boy

I woke up this morning with that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. You must know what I mean? I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets that sometimes. But usually it only happens after major bad things happen, like illness in my family, or worse. So, why in the world then am I feeling it because a stupid man is ignoring my texts?

I started crying as soon as I got out of bed. A lot.

And, as I poured my coffee I realized. It's not about Brian. This has absolutely nothing to do with him. It just has his face on it because he was the boy at the time. This is really about the entire dating process. This is really about my marriage falling apart.

I'm not sad about Brian. I barely know the man. I was starting to like him, yes. But I barely knew him. I am sad because Brian showed me what dating is really gonna be all about. It is not going to be like the online dating sites want you to believe. It is not going to be about finding your soul mate instantaneously. It is going to be hard. It is going to be a roller coaster of emotions. It is going to mean making myself vulnerable numerous times, and getting hurt by people, and confusion, and frustration, and anger, until I get to a point where I find the person who will make me feel joy in the process. It could be years in the making.

I have a difficult time with vulnerable. I am not that type of person. It puts me way out of my comfort zone to put myself out there and be vulnerable - add to that these people are strangers - I usually only do vulnerable with people I trust. Too scary. I'm almost frozen with fear of this entire process.

But I have no choice. Thanks to J.

And, that's why I was crying this morning. Because I don't think I have ever cried over the fact that I was supposed to be safe in a relationship with someone who loved me, where I could be vulnerable and not be afraid. Where I could just be comfortable and safe. And now I'm not. I was crying because my trust in that safe relationship was broken. And now I have to trust strangers who potentially are going to hurt my feelings. I was crying because for so long I haven't felt any feelings - living in survival mode with an addict does that to a person.

And now I have to feel all of these feelings - not just the happy "I'm going on a date" or "I had a first kiss with someone" feelings. But all of them, fear, hurt, sadness, rejection, vulnerability.

And hopefully happiness and joy in the end. If I make it that far....

Quiet Please

Today I text Brian - I ask him if he can get together on Saturday. I have a babysitter and I was hoping he'd want to hang out. I ask him if he wants to go indoor golfing. I think it sounds fun!

Nothing. No response. No answer.

I take my sister's advice and figure he's got to check his schedule and he'll text back when he has an answer. She says give him two days.

Getting Antsy

Brian and I have texted every day since our date. Just normal conversation. I always keep it short so as to not be a pain in the ass.

Today, I texted him that he's been on my mind all day. I know it breaks every dating rule there is to show actual emotion and feelings, but I really have been thinking about him a lot, and I want him to know. He says he's flattered. I text him that I can't wait to see him again.

Perfect

So, Brian texts me and tells me that "I'm sorry to kiss and run but if I stayed much longer I wouldn't have wanted to leave at all. Kissing you was perfect."

Really?

Perfect?

I knew I was good and all but damn, perfect?

I tell him his kiss was good too, that I want to do that more. He says he's got lots of kisses for me. I tell him that makes me happy.

Today, I am smiling.

For Christ-sake, Kiss me!!!

I did not text Brian for the rest of the week. And, he didn't text me either. I was tempted to contact him on Thursday just to serve as a reminder of our date on Friday but I didn't. If I did I would never know if he showed because of the reminder or if he showed because he's an adult, who can remember things on his own (unlike J) and that he really wanted to spend time with me.

Friday comes.

We're supposed to meet a little after 6pm. At 6:10pm I text him asking if he's late or in town somewhere - where should we meet - he's never been to the place I suggested. He replies that he's getting gas and will be here shortly.

When he arrives we go in and get a drink and play some pool. We laugh a little, joke around, talk some. He's a chatterbox - he says I'm quiet. But he's not asking me any questions about myself. I'm not the type of person to just blurt out random things about myself before I even know if you give a shit. Do you really give a shit about my obsession with potato chips, or how I can't wait until summer so I can go to the ocean with my kids?? You don't know me - tell me what it is you'd like to learn about me for God's sake and I'll share some things that I know you are interested in.

Maybe this is my issue - maybe I need to come down with a case of diarrhea of the mouth and just spew things about myself to people and who really gives a crap if they care or not. I love myself and maybe they will too.

But I digress....

So, we play a few games of pool, and have a few beers then decide to walk up the street to grab a hot dog. Mind out of the gutter people, a real hot dog. We talk. he talks a lot about his kids that he's going to see tomorrow. It really shows how important they are to him. He also talks a lot about their Mom. He shares that she cheated on him throughout their 10 year relationship, numerous times, even to the point of coming home pregnant with another man's baby. I ask why he stayed. Answer, "I loved her."

We walked back to where our cars were parked. he asks me to give him a hug. Shit, man, c'mon, I don't want a freakin hug....I want a kiss. A full-on, mouth open, first kiss. Do you know how long it has been since I've kissed someone, for Christ-sake? So, we move in for the hug, and there it was....the kiss. Just like I wanted it to be. We move apart and he tells me to text him. Says he wants to get together again.

I go home happy. and even hornier than I was before. 

 

This is just Weird.

So since the date I've been texting Brian every couple days. I've read the rules. I don't want to be the stalker who texts all the time. So, I text, we go back and forth,  and the convo ends. All good. There's banter between us, it's all good.

He texts me during the week that he got a new phone number and wanted to make sure I had the number. Whooo...he must like me if he made sure I had the new number.

Then a week later as I'm perusing his facebook page (hell, he is the stupid one who gave me his last name and has all his posts public - you get what you deserve, right?) I notice that he's got something strange posted. This:

And in the comment section a girl writes, "oh your so sweet." And he says, "yes, you are babe, love you."

hmmmm......

But no, first of all, I'm stalking his page. Which I shouldn't be doing. Second, maybe they are just good friends. Let it go.

A few days later he texts me again, with yet another new number. OK.

Next day I send him a text asking if he would want to get together the next Friday. Five days from now. No response.
I wait...I'm an adult. Maybe he's busy. Other people's lives do not revolve around when we send them texts.
The next day I send another message - explaining that I need to know if he's interested in going out so I can confirm the babysitter. No response. I figure it's 11am and he's at work. So I wait....and wait.

At 8pm, I send him another text telling him I just need a yes or no on Friday. He texts back how sorry he is for taking so long, he's been really busy at work, and yes, Friday is good. I apologize for acting like a crazy person with the multiple texts. He tells me he likes my texts and to send them any time I want.

See you Friday.

It Really Wasn't Awful

So, last night was my first date with Brian. And it was actually pretty fun. When he got there, being almost a half-hour late because of working late he looked exactly like his picture. OK, good. We went bowling and I had failed to find out that it was league night. So, there were no lanes. So we had to wait. So, we sat in the bar and had a couple drinks together.

We played darts. He kicked my butt. He kept saying that he "knows you're supposed to let women win so they don't get mad." But he didn't let me win. I was having trouble getting the darts out of the board. The conversations went something like this:

Brian: "You have to be careful when you pull it out."

Me: "Yes, you do." giggle, giggle

Brian: "I wasn't trying to be a pervert."

Me: "I was."

My friend at work says that's why I ultimately got a second date. But I don't think so. I was just being me. I have a potty mouth when my kids aren't around. And I am not bothered by sexual humor. And I assumed most men are not either.

We ended up bowling eventually when the leagues were done. When I said in texting conversations last week that I was hoping he would help me with my bowling skills I was envisioning him helping me by guiding my arm, or showing me how to throw the ball, maybe a little touching to break that touch barrier. But nothing. He didn't try to touch me at all.

At the end of the night he walked me to my car, and gave me a hug. Said he wanted to go out again.

Later that night, he texted me. He said he had a great time, wanted to get to know me more, wanted to go out again.

Cool.

I Gotta Feeling

Tonight is date night. I am actually going to throw up. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just want this damn anticipation to end. Hopefully he's not a serial killer.

We're going bowling. Thank God he's not into the dinner first date. I am so not into that. Please do not make me sit across a table from a stranger and eat and try to have a first date conversation. Give me something to do to take the pressure off. Bowling is perfect - and actually you might be surprised to know that it is one of the top 10 first dates to go on. It almost guarantees a second date. It elicits good feelings in people, they remember good times they've had in the past, childhood memories, yadda, yadda. Thank you for the information Mr. Google.

So, Brian either is an over-thinker like me, a player, or he really likes bowling.

Nerves

I can't stop thinking about Friday. I continue to follow the rules, sending Brian texts only every couple days, not looking like I'm too excited. But I am. Excited. Really excited. I have to get some new clothes, and I'm having a manicure. I'm so nervous. This dating thing is FUN!!! I haven't been this excited in, hmmmmm, I honestly don't remember. God, it has been a long time.

I haven't had any other conversations online with anyone else because I am too focused on this date. That's OK the other guys will be there when I get back - or there will be new ones.

Is There Any Sound on this Thing?

I've been texting with Brian for a few days. The texts are easy, the conversation continues to flow well. I want to tell him that he gives good text. But I remember the rules about NOT expressing any feelings or emotions. So, instead I ask him if it might be possible to actually talk to him. I explain that I am a person who really needs a voice to go with the image you posted of yourself on the dating site. Which at this point I don't even know if that's real. I just need a tiny bit of reality in this seemingly fake, virtual dating world.

So, we talk on the phone. I follow the rules. I block my number so he can't see where I'm calling from. I keep the conversation short. I get a date.

Next Friday.

Oh my God, I think I am going to throw up!

Dating Rules

I have not had a date. Well, like, never. Really. I've never been on a date. Or dated. I can't believe I am 42 years old and never went on a date.

In high school I kind of just hooked up with boys. No not sex, it was just like we kissed and we were instant couples. Then in college I met Todd at a friend's party. We made out. We were a couple. We were together for 7 years. When our relationship ended I found J. We knew each other from school. We were friends. There was no dating. There was mostly talking, having fun, and all of a sudden we were a couple. And now here I am.

So this dating thing is completely new to me. And what does a person who thinks a lot and analyzes a lot do with that? Well, research. On Google. Probably not the best thing but where the hell else am I supposed to get dating advice?? From my happily married friends? Or my divorced Dad? Please, if someone has some good advice please share. But for now I'll continue to consult with Mr. Google on what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.

All these rules. I can't even keep them straight.

Date multiple men at once. Men play the field. Women should too.

Don't call or text someone more than every three days and never express any feelings for ANYONE!!

Send out at least 3 emails a day on the dating site to increase chances of finding a match.

Meet someone in person after less than 5 email exchanges or fall victim to being a pen pal.

and this one, use texting to communicate between email exchanges and actual in person meetings. What?? Why?? Why can't we talk on the phone? Or just meet? I hate texting.

But for some reason I feel compelled to follow the rules....

Brian (easy talking guy) gave me his cell number. Let the texting begin.

The Man behind the Computer Screen

I've been conversing with mostly two men via the online dating site email system this week. They both seem really nice. One, the conversation flows easily with. Seems we can always find something to "talk" about. The other is more difficult. More like pulling teeth to get a conversation going. Plus easier talker has nicer pics on his profile. Looks like a fun guy. Maybe I should watch out for the "fun" guy though. That's how I got where I am today.

But I want fun. My life has enough routine, mundane things. And while raising two preschoolers alone is always chaotic. I want some adult fun. Wait. That doesn't sound good. Well, you know what I mean.....

I've Got Mail

This online dating thing is addicting! I can't get off the computer. Love it. I love checking for new email messages. And there's lots! Most are useless but still nice too see so many.

There's a lot of weeding out to do. Really, man, step it up a bit. You are really going to send me an email with "Hi"? That's it. Nothing else. Do you have enough intelligence to read my profile and maybe piece together a sentence or two asking me something about myself. Or at least showing me you are literate.

I read to my two preschoolers every day. I know it's been a looong time since I've been with a man. And maybe I'm going into this thing with an open mind of who I will go out on a date with. But being able to read and write is one of my criteria.

Closet Online Dater

My sister is visiting this week. We drank some wine and decided to create online profiles. I need a man. I need a relationship with a man. I'll probably end up meeting some psycho because that's my luck. But what's my alternative??

Not like I'm meeting tons of eligible men watching Disney Junior and going to preschool story hour.

So, here goes....