It's not about the Boy

I woke up this morning with that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. You must know what I mean? I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets that sometimes. But usually it only happens after major bad things happen, like illness in my family, or worse. So, why in the world then am I feeling it because a stupid man is ignoring my texts?

I started crying as soon as I got out of bed. A lot.

And, as I poured my coffee I realized. It's not about Brian. This has absolutely nothing to do with him. It just has his face on it because he was the boy at the time. This is really about the entire dating process. This is really about my marriage falling apart.

I'm not sad about Brian. I barely know the man. I was starting to like him, yes. But I barely knew him. I am sad because Brian showed me what dating is really gonna be all about. It is not going to be like the online dating sites want you to believe. It is not going to be about finding your soul mate instantaneously. It is going to be hard. It is going to be a roller coaster of emotions. It is going to mean making myself vulnerable numerous times, and getting hurt by people, and confusion, and frustration, and anger, until I get to a point where I find the person who will make me feel joy in the process. It could be years in the making.

I have a difficult time with vulnerable. I am not that type of person. It puts me way out of my comfort zone to put myself out there and be vulnerable - add to that these people are strangers - I usually only do vulnerable with people I trust. Too scary. I'm almost frozen with fear of this entire process.

But I have no choice. Thanks to J.

And, that's why I was crying this morning. Because I don't think I have ever cried over the fact that I was supposed to be safe in a relationship with someone who loved me, where I could be vulnerable and not be afraid. Where I could just be comfortable and safe. And now I'm not. I was crying because my trust in that safe relationship was broken. And now I have to trust strangers who potentially are going to hurt my feelings. I was crying because for so long I haven't felt any feelings - living in survival mode with an addict does that to a person.

And now I have to feel all of these feelings - not just the happy "I'm going on a date" or "I had a first kiss with someone" feelings. But all of them, fear, hurt, sadness, rejection, vulnerability.

And hopefully happiness and joy in the end. If I make it that far....